mike's not the one. and i think i've known that for a while now. there was a time when things were perfect with us and we both tried on equal levels. i think it was knowing he wanted me and i made him better...i think that's why i stuck around for so long. the more i'm around him the more i see it makes me happy to have his attention, but the more i realize things aren't what they used to be. he's more unstable now than when i first met him and we've somewhat grown apart. he tells me more about things now maybe but i think that's what's messing it up. i'm beginning to not like who he is yet i still like the attention. but i won't let him treat me like some girl. we got into a bad fight today over something dumb and after today i realize i really do deserve better. i've known it but i've never wanted it. now i want it. i want better. so he can be there for fun or whatever else, but i'm done trying.
ray's been there for me a lot recently. and i feel bad about being so distant and sometimes cold toward him. but part of me still loves him regardless of what we went through. it just hurts. i mean, i'm over it and i've cried and accepted it for what it is but just because i'm over it doesn't mean being reminded of things doesn't hurt. it's bittersweet i guess.
vegas was amazing and exactly what i needed. it was also a confidence booster. every night i'd go out and be like 'ughh i look gross' and i'd bag a guy so easily. yes i know, it's vegas. but the ones i got were cute. overall a good experience. maybe a little whorish with the back to back one night stands but whatever, i'm single...used protection. who cares? (side note: josh = best one night stand ever)
last night katz seemed like he wanted to hook up again. so i don't really know what he meant by that little secret im outside of the buddy chat with em. i'd do it again...but i have to be drunk this next time lol. katz and i sober wsa not as great as we thought it'd be...more so because i think it was a little awkward. drunk should be different. more loose and easy going.
oh, and chris fb imed me. yasss get it. lol. he's been commenting my pics before the trip...and em said he'd fb im me eventually if he likes me. and so after my trip, he did. i think he's kind of worried that he used to be best friends with my brother. not so much the age factor but i think in his head it's like guilt or a danger sign because i'm "pat's little sister." but honestly i don't care. i've always had a crush on him so it'd be fun to get it with him lol. and he seems like a good guy. and more mature...works full time. that works for me. chris vacarro is my next mission lol.
back to the reality of studying and working. weeee. lol.
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